Divorce

The decision to be custodial parent should be made in the best interest of the child. In the event of a break-up, the child is the deprived and innocent party. He should not be subjected to the trauma of having to make the painful decision of which parent to follow. Neither should custody to be given to the unfit parent.

A parent should have enough custody of the child to meet his own selfish interest like
1. a desire to get even with the ex-spouse.
2. forming a nuclear family in order to get a HDB flat
3. a desire to avoid being labeled as the “bad parent” and then have serious reservation about it.

The decision to give up custody of the child because of the following reasons is also because of the following reasons is also undesirable.
1. To avoid a custody battle
2. A lack of self confidence
3. Economic pressure
4. Guilt feelings

A child knows when he is wanted or rejected b the parent. The custodial parent ho gains custody in order to spike his ex-spouse is likely to weaken the bind between the child and his other parent and may even encourage negative thinking about her. The child is likely to end up confused and torn. On the other extreme, he could become an over indulgent parent in order in preserve the “good guy” image thus spoiling the child when a firm handling would have been better.

The parent who has custody thrust upon him s also unlikely to make a good parent. The feelings of resentment will spill over to the child.

You may want to consider the following pointers in your decision to be the custodial parent.

1. Preparedness
When you are psychologically prepared you are likely to be more successful as a custodial parent. Be prepared for the tremendous burden you will have to face but also be aware of the comfort and joys the child can give you once you are able to develop a close parent-child relationship.

2. Positive Attitude
Accept that the non-custodial parent is also important to the child and be gracious enough to share the child with her. The custodial parent who is so embittered by what life has offered him is likely to alarm the child’s sense of well being; making him an anxious child with a negative view of life. A confident, positive parent on the other hand will generate similar traits in the child.

3. Seek Support
Acknowledge that carrying the burden alone is very difficult. Don’t feel too proud to accept support from relatives, friends, church and support groups.

Pitfalls The Custodial Parent Should Avoid

1. Living with parents or in-laws after a divorce
This may not be a wise move as the tendency is to over depend on grandparents and to expect them to play the role of surrogate parents to the child while the custodial parent slips into a complacent routine of working and coming home late. This is not being fair to both the grandparent and the child.

2. Remarriage
The custodial parent should never remarry because he wants his children to have a mother. Marriage for purpose of getting help to raise the children is courting trouble. One day the children will grow up and leave the nest. What else is there left? He should marry to have a companion for himself and not a parent for his children.

3. Resentment
Resentment over having to care for the child can affect the parent-child relationship adversely. The child must not be made to feel that he is a burden to the parent. He is far better off in a home where there is love and security.

The Non-Custodial Parent

The parent who chooses to be the non-custodial parent can still play an active role in the welfare of the child. However, the non-custodial parent may have to overcome problems like:

1. Guilt feelings
The non-custodial parent often faces guilt feelings and stigmatization because of her choice. Society may not be able to understand that it is for the best interest of the child. If she allows feelings of guilt to overwhelm her, she is not likely to be an effective parent, It is important that she should get on with her life while giving the love and support to the child when he goes to her. Attempts should be made to write, call and keep in touch so that the child knows that she still cares.

2. Anger and Depression
Like guilt feelings, anger and depression can be destructive and affect the non-custodial parent so adversely that she may choose not the see the child anymore in order to lessen the pain. This is not a wise move as the child will feel dejected and let down Research has shown that the one who recovered fastest were the ones who play an active role in the children’s live.

Conclusion
In the final analysis, the child is the victim in this traumatic tug of war between the parents, In choosing whether to be the custodial parent, the interest of the child is of paramount importance, Fortunate is the child if both parents agree on this and et remain in touch with the child by continuing to give him the love and support he will need to live a healthy balanced life.

“Divorce is a time of change from the stability that was established prior to the event. It affects both the children and adults. The extent to which children are affected varies and the effects will be determined by not one, but several factors like age, gender, personality, family background and relations, repertoire of coping skills and so on.

The children grieve the absence of a parent at home. Grief is a normal, natural, appropriate and healthy reaction to a significant loss. Children may encounter shock, anger, sadness and other feelings. They may feel rejected, vulnerable and betrayed. Some children are not told about the divorce and the related changes. Some feel guilty, afraid that they are responsible for the family breakdown in some ways. The self-esteem of the children is affected. Parents feel that the children are too young to understand and hence it can be discussed later on. Sometimes parents re not sure how to talk about the divorce to the children even though they feel the need to. However, children observe the situation at home and make their own conclusions, which may not be the true picture as they are not able to clarify their observations. Insecurity and uncertainty may result.

Children may not have the resources to cope with the losses and changes that arise from the divorce. They may not know how to handle their different feelings. The different ways of coping may include denying or pushing aside what is happening to them. Some children do talk about the divorce, which may also be an indicator of the support they need during the transitional period. Sometimes parents send a message not to talk about the divorce to the people around them for fear of rejection.

Outward behaviour is a reflection of the children’s internal world. When children have difficulties coping with the divorce, they may show it through their behaviour such as withdrawal, temper tantrums, clinging behaviour, getting into fights, drop in academic performance and crying.

The ability of the children to cope with the divorce depends on their parent’s coping skills. Like children, parents also grieve the loss of an important person in their life. They also have to deal with their unmet hopes, dreams and expectations. The parents may also have to cope with being the sole breadwinner of the family and taking care of the children alone. This could be stressful for the parent when he or she is trying to meet the needs of the family as well as bring stability to the family. As a result, children have to cope not only with the absent parent but also the care giving parent who is unable to parent effectively.

Some children are caught in the loyalty conflict where parents and relatives harbour anger and resentment towards the other parent. Other children do not want to share their thought and feelings, fearing that they will hurt their parent or upset them. Parents, on the other hand, have similar difficulties. They feel that keeping sadness to themselves would spare the children from feeling hurt or depressed. By trying to help their children cope with the loss, they may be hindering the grief process. Some others are aware of their ineffective parenting skills and feel powerless. Some single parents do not know how to handle their emotions and usually divert their mixed feelings to their children. For example, the anger towards their ex-spouse might affect the way they treat the children especially if the child’s characteristics or personalities resemble the ex-spouse.

Recovery from a divorce for the families does not mean simply putting it aside, cutting off all emotional experiences and burying them. The feeling of pain, anger and disappointment will not diminish at once. A holistic awareness of the impact of the grief on the family members will facilitate positive transition in these families.

Recovery involves not only initiating change and rebuilding of self, but also that of family. Family as a whole will have to be recognised and reinvested in other family relationships and life pursuits. Recovery as a family involves realignment of relationships and and redistribution of role functions to buffer stress, to bring stability in the family and carry on with family life.

It is necessary to recognise and tap on the family’s and each member’s strengths and resources available within the family and outside in the community to help them cope with grief and re-organisation. Rebuilding the resources and support network of the families would help them through this period of transition and readjustment.

Exclusive Vol 13.3