Rosie Wee

More often than not there are still residues of hostility and bitterness between parents of the child long after a divorce or separation. This inevitably leads to resentment when the non-custodial parent visits the child. The hostility which the custodial parent still harbours could lead him/her to try ways and means to prevent the child from seeing the other parent. Attempts are made to downgrade the other parent in the eyes of the child. This pitching of one parent against the other will lead to confusion and divided loyalty on the child’s part. On the other hand, a child who is against his wishes, denied visitations and love from the other parent, is likely to grow up to be a bitter and angry adult. If such negative traits are not checked, it is likely to affect the custodial parent’s relationship with the child in the long run.

The custodial parent may have quite understandable reasons for such manipulative actions. These could be:

1. fear of losing the child to the other parent.
2. fear that the other parent may influence the child adversely.
3. fear that the child may manipulative the parents to his own advantage.
4. hatred for the other parent and thus instigating the child to do likewise.
5. feelings of resentment and betrayal especially when the other parent is not maintaining the child.
6. anger that the other parent should have access to the child when he/she was the cause of the family breakdown.

Such fears and sentiments are real and the course of action taken may appear justifiable. However, in the long run, both the child and the custodial parent have more to benefit if he/she could learn to let go and share the child with the other parent.

In arriving at the steps which the custodial parent could take to promote better parent-child relationship, the following assumptions apply:

1. that the child is still young and cannot make decisions for himself.
2. that the non-custodial parent still loves the child and wants to continue seeing him/her.
3. that the child still has some attachment to the other parent.
Assuming that the above assumptions apply the custodial parent could take the following steps:

1. Accept that the non-custodial parent has visiting rights and there is no way that you can prevent it unless the court issues an injunction on grounds of cruelty or insanity on the non-custodial parent’s part. When you are able to accept this, you will be better prepared to let your child go to his other parent.

2. Understand that your relationship with your former spouse is different from your child’s relationship with him/her. Don’t impose your opinion of him/her to your child. Let him form his own opinion.

3. Accept that your child is not responsible for the breakup and that he needs his other parent as much as he needs you.

4. Look beyond your own hurt and anger and realise that the welfare of your child depends on your ability to see that he grows into a balanced well adjusted adult equipped to face the challenges of the world. Love from both parents are crucial during the formative years and the child needs this assurance after the breakdown of the family unit. Denial of access to the other parent will only hurt the child.

5. It is healthier to tell the child that daddy/mummy still loves him/her although he/she is not living with them than to tell him that his daddy/mummy doesn’t want him anymore.

6. Do not overly question the child when he comes back to you. If the child refuses to talk about his stay with the other parent, it is better to let the matter rest. But show interest and understanding if he does talk or feel upset after each visit.

7. Look at the positive side. When the child goes to the other parent, use the opportunity to pamper yourself, visit friends or go shopping.

8. Create a secure and happy home environment for your child so that there will be less fear of the child refusing to come back to you.

9. Inculcate values like honesty and trustworthiness in your child. Let him/her know that you place importance on such values and that you expect it of him/her.

10. If there is a spiritual dimension in your life, than inculcate a love for God in your child, reading the holy books and going to places of worship. Show him/her that these are very important to you.

11. Remember, that being the custodial parent, you are the closest role model to your child. You need not fear losing your child if you make the concerted effort to be an exemplary parent figure to your child. It only follows that in his eye no other daddy/mummy could ever replace you.

Fortunate is the child who has an enlightened custodial parent who is gracious enough to share with the other parent because she is able to transcend her personal grief and hurt by placing a high premium on her child’s well being.

Exclusive Jun-Sep 1990

This article focuses on the possible consequences of using FEAR to guide our recovery from significant emotional loss.

Retained FEAR is cumulative and cumulatively negative. If the griever does not feel safe enough to communicate about their fears, then the fears themselves appear to be real and begin to define and limit the griever. In a play on that old phrase “you are what you eat”…”you create what you fear.”

Fear is one of the most normal emotional responses to loss. The fear of the unknown, the fear of the unfamiliar, the fear of adapting to a dramatic change in all our of familiar habits, behaviours, and feelings.
Fear is one of the most common emotional responses to loss. For example, when a spouse dies – How can I go on without him/her? Or, after a divorce. Where will I find another mate as wonderful, as beautiful?

These fears are normal and natural responses to the end of long-term relationships. If acknowledged and allowed, those fears and the thoughts and feelings they generate, can be completed and diminish without serious aftermath. As we learn to acknowledge and complete our relationship to our fear, we can then move on to the more important task of grieving and completing the relationship that ended or changed.

But, if we have been socialized to believe fear is unnatural or bad, then we tend to bury our fears to avoid feeling judged by our fellows who seem to want us to feel better very quickly after a loss.

There is also danger in that we have been socialized to express fear indirectly as anger. While there is often some unexpressed anger attached to incomplete relationships, we usually discover that it accounts for a very small percentage of unresolved grief. It is also important not to confuse Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s “stages of dying,” which includes anger, with the totally unique responses that follow a loss.

An even larger danger looms in the fact that we develop relationships with and loyalties to our fears. We believe them as if they were real. We defend them with our lives, and to some extent, it is, indeed, our lives that w are gambling with. As we develop a fierce relationship with our fears, we lose sight of our original objective, which was to grieve and complete the relationship that has ended or changed. It is as if we have shifted all of our energy to the fear so we do not have to deal with the painful emotions caused by the loss.

Reminders of loved ones who have died, or relationship that have ended will often take us on a rocket ride to the PAST, where we are liable to dig up a little regret. After thinking about that regret for a while, we might rocket out to the FUTURE, where we will generate some worry or FEAR. The point is that those fears we generate, while they feel totally real, are often the result of some out-of-the-moment adventures. It may be helpful to remember this little phrase: “My feelings are real, but they do no necessarily represent reality.”

While FEAR is often the emotional response to loss, in our society, ISOLATION is frequently the behavioral reaction to the fear. If isolation is the problem, then participation is a major part of the solution. Fight your way through the fear so that you will not isolate further. Recovery from significant emotional loss is not achieved alone.

©1993 by The Grief Recovery Institute. All right reserved. Grief “Recovery” is a Registered Service Mark of the Grief Recovery Institute. All material is protected by US Code and the Lanham Act. Do not reproduce in any manner without permission.

“The one battle most lose is the battle over the fear of failure…
try…
start…
begin…
and you’ll be assured you won the first round.”

- Robert Schuller, Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do!

by Social Work Team at HELP FSC

My husband passed away two years ago of heart failure. Although he had a history of heart attacks and had undergone a heart bypass surgery, his death is still a shock for my children and me. It was fine initially…. I continued with my work and my 14 year-old son and 9 year-old daughter went on with their studies. But recently, for no reason I have been crying a lot. Everything at home just reminds me of my husband. I cannot cope with my work. My employer is unhappy with my work performance. People around me have been telling me that I should have “come out” of my husband’s death and be strong for me children. But somehow I just can’t do it… I feel so useless and worthless! Am I abnormal? Would I be able to be my usual self again?

There is no way we can fully prepare ourselves for our loved one’s death, no matter how informed we are. And it is always so difficult to let our loved one go even though we know that he/she is suffering. When death occurs in the family, everyone hopes to get back to life as “normal” as possible. Life around us continues. The adults will resume their work ad the children their studies. You may have thought that by keeping yourselves busy you would have gotten over his death. But it is just a form of distraction. It only makes one more day go by.

When a loss has taken place, things may not be the same again. The feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find he is no longer there for us, jolts us into the reality of his death.

People around you or even yourself might think that you are abnormal because you started crying and missing your husband after two years of his demise. But what you are experiencing now is very normal and natural. You are grieving now! The fact that you have been coping with your loss by keeping yourself busy and by trying to be strong for your children do no help in dealing with your grief over the loss of your husband. It just provides a short-term relief to your pain.

Firstly, you need to be in touch with your feelings that are associated with the loss, be it negative or positive. Then acknowledge the existence of the feelings. Denying or suppressing the feelings is not a solution. Next you have to accept the feelings that you have. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are just there. Lastly, learn to let go of the feelings by talking about it with the person you trust.

Besides looking at your own grief, it is important for you to help your children to talk about the loss of their father. Children do grieve like any adult. Usually, our parental instinct would refrain us from exposing our children to any negative or unhappy events. We would want to buffer them as much as possible. However, this is not any other loss, but a loss of a significant person in their life. To be exact, they are not just losing their father but you as well. The fact that you are not able to be like before is another major change that they have to learn to adapt and adjust. There are times that some children may not be ready to talk about the loss. It is okay. Keep channels open for them to come back to you if you need someone to talk to.

Start working towards your recovery. Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small choices. You need to acknowledge that a problem exists and it is associated with the loss of your husband. Take action! Join a support group. Meeting up with other single parents could help in garnering support from those who may have gone through similar experience as yours. Make arrangement to meet up with a counsellor. He or she will help to take necessary actions for moving beyond loss. The fact that you have reached out to seek help is the first step to your recovery.

Exclusive Vol 13.3

“Divorce is a time of change from the stability that was established prior to the event. It affects both the children and adults. The extent to which children are affected varies and the effects will be determined by not one, but several factors like age, gender, personality, family background and relations, repertoire of coping skills and so on.

The children grieve the absence of a parent at home. Grief is a normal, natural, appropriate and healthy reaction to a significant loss. Children may encounter shock, anger, sadness and other feelings. They may feel rejected, vulnerable and betrayed. Some children are not told about the divorce and the related changes. Some feel guilty, afraid that they are responsible for the family breakdown in some ways. The self-esteem of the children is affected. Parents feel that the children are too young to understand and hence it can be discussed later on. Sometimes parents re not sure how to talk about the divorce to the children even though they feel the need to. However, children observe the situation at home and make their own conclusions, which may not be the true picture as they are not able to clarify their observations. Insecurity and uncertainty may result.

Children may not have the resources to cope with the losses and changes that arise from the divorce. They may not know how to handle their different feelings. The different ways of coping may include denying or pushing aside what is happening to them. Some children do talk about the divorce, which may also be an indicator of the support they need during the transitional period. Sometimes parents send a message not to talk about the divorce to the people around them for fear of rejection.

Outward behaviour is a reflection of the children’s internal world. When children have difficulties coping with the divorce, they may show it through their behaviour such as withdrawal, temper tantrums, clinging behaviour, getting into fights, drop in academic performance and crying.

The ability of the children to cope with the divorce depends on their parent’s coping skills. Like children, parents also grieve the loss of an important person in their life. They also have to deal with their unmet hopes, dreams and expectations. The parents may also have to cope with being the sole breadwinner of the family and taking care of the children alone. This could be stressful for the parent when he or she is trying to meet the needs of the family as well as bring stability to the family. As a result, children have to cope not only with the absent parent but also the care giving parent who is unable to parent effectively.

Some children are caught in the loyalty conflict where parents and relatives harbour anger and resentment towards the other parent. Other children do not want to share their thought and feelings, fearing that they will hurt their parent or upset them. Parents, on the other hand, have similar difficulties. They feel that keeping sadness to themselves would spare the children from feeling hurt or depressed. By trying to help their children cope with the loss, they may be hindering the grief process. Some others are aware of their ineffective parenting skills and feel powerless. Some single parents do not know how to handle their emotions and usually divert their mixed feelings to their children. For example, the anger towards their ex-spouse might affect the way they treat the children especially if the child’s characteristics or personalities resemble the ex-spouse.

Recovery from a divorce for the families does not mean simply putting it aside, cutting off all emotional experiences and burying them. The feeling of pain, anger and disappointment will not diminish at once. A holistic awareness of the impact of the grief on the family members will facilitate positive transition in these families.

Recovery involves not only initiating change and rebuilding of self, but also that of family. Family as a whole will have to be recognised and reinvested in other family relationships and life pursuits. Recovery as a family involves realignment of relationships and and redistribution of role functions to buffer stress, to bring stability in the family and carry on with family life.

It is necessary to recognise and tap on the family’s and each member’s strengths and resources available within the family and outside in the community to help them cope with grief and re-organisation. Rebuilding the resources and support network of the families would help them through this period of transition and readjustment.

Exclusive Vol 13.3

For those of you who are near and dear to friends who have recently experienced a painful loss of any kind, re-read all of the above. You must recognize that the inability to concentrate is the single most common of all responses to loss. Do not berate. Do not scold. Do not have an opinion or judgement. Remember your friend is on another planet – the planet grief. Their entire being is trying to make sense out of an incredibly painful experience.

By definition, “grief is the normal and natural emotional response to loss of any kind.” Most of us have been falsely socialized to shift the emotional reaction into the intellect. But, the head is not broken – the heart is broken. You must resist the temptation to make intellectual comments to your grieving friend. For example, while it is intellectually accurate that “life goes on,” many grievers have a hard time participating in life at all, so life “goes on” without them.

If someone staggered towards you with an arrow sticking out of his or her chest, and blood dripping from the wound, you would probably recognize that the person might be in massive physical pain. It is unlikely that you would say, “Don’t feel bad, at least it wasn’t a poison arrow,” and just keep walking past them. More likely, you would say “My gosh, you must be in terrible pain, let me call an ambulance.”

Yet when someone’s heart has been broken by a major loss, most people say “Don’t Feel bad, you should feel grateful you had them so long.” While it may be intellectually accurate that you have a great deal of gratitude in that relationship, that is usually not the foremost emotional response to the death of a loved one. Perhaps it would be helpful to imagine that there is an emotional arrow sticking out of their chest. It will remind you to respond more helpfully.

Even though death can be separated into two categories, sudden death or long term illness, ultimately all death is sudden. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if someone has tended to a dying loved one for a long time, that they would automatically have less pain then someone who has lost someone to a sudden death. In fact, it is a good idea to make no assumptions at all. The finality of death, along with end of any hopes of a miracle remission or cure, brings a tremendous amount of emotional pain. For many people, drowning in a sea of painful emotions, numbness seems like a constant companion. It may take hours or even days to sort out the feelings and thoughts that have been unearthed by the death of a loved one. The death of a “less than loved one”may produce even more confusing emotions.

We have been talking mainly about reactions to death. The emotional response to divorce, while different, is parallel. Divorce is the “death of a relationship.” Quite often, one divorcing partner feels as if there has been a sudden death and one feels like they have been caught in a long-term illness. In either situation, there is liable to be the same inability to concentrate that affects those responding to death. It is also quite probable that those reeling from the affects of a divorce will have some difficulty identifying the feelings they are experiencing. As we pointed out earlier, this reduced ability to concentrate is normal. Don’t fight it. Be gentle with yourself.

Friends, be alert to the emotional arrow that you can’t see. Your friend has a broken heart. You need to be gentle also.

- 2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute, USA. All rights reserved.

Exclusive Vol 13.3