Rosie Wee

More often than not there are still residues of hostility and bitterness between parents of the child long after a divorce or separation. This inevitably leads to resentment when the non-custodial parent visits the child. The hostility which the custodial parent still harbours could lead him/her to try ways and means to prevent the child from seeing the other parent. Attempts are made to downgrade the other parent in the eyes of the child. This pitching of one parent against the other will lead to confusion and divided loyalty on the child’s part. On the other hand, a child who is against his wishes, denied visitations and love from the other parent, is likely to grow up to be a bitter and angry adult. If such negative traits are not checked, it is likely to affect the custodial parent’s relationship with the child in the long run.

The custodial parent may have quite understandable reasons for such manipulative actions. These could be:

1. fear of losing the child to the other parent.
2. fear that the other parent may influence the child adversely.
3. fear that the child may manipulative the parents to his own advantage.
4. hatred for the other parent and thus instigating the child to do likewise.
5. feelings of resentment and betrayal especially when the other parent is not maintaining the child.
6. anger that the other parent should have access to the child when he/she was the cause of the family breakdown.

Such fears and sentiments are real and the course of action taken may appear justifiable. However, in the long run, both the child and the custodial parent have more to benefit if he/she could learn to let go and share the child with the other parent.

In arriving at the steps which the custodial parent could take to promote better parent-child relationship, the following assumptions apply:

1. that the child is still young and cannot make decisions for himself.
2. that the non-custodial parent still loves the child and wants to continue seeing him/her.
3. that the child still has some attachment to the other parent.
Assuming that the above assumptions apply the custodial parent could take the following steps:

1. Accept that the non-custodial parent has visiting rights and there is no way that you can prevent it unless the court issues an injunction on grounds of cruelty or insanity on the non-custodial parent’s part. When you are able to accept this, you will be better prepared to let your child go to his other parent.

2. Understand that your relationship with your former spouse is different from your child’s relationship with him/her. Don’t impose your opinion of him/her to your child. Let him form his own opinion.

3. Accept that your child is not responsible for the breakup and that he needs his other parent as much as he needs you.

4. Look beyond your own hurt and anger and realise that the welfare of your child depends on your ability to see that he grows into a balanced well adjusted adult equipped to face the challenges of the world. Love from both parents are crucial during the formative years and the child needs this assurance after the breakdown of the family unit. Denial of access to the other parent will only hurt the child.

5. It is healthier to tell the child that daddy/mummy still loves him/her although he/she is not living with them than to tell him that his daddy/mummy doesn’t want him anymore.

6. Do not overly question the child when he comes back to you. If the child refuses to talk about his stay with the other parent, it is better to let the matter rest. But show interest and understanding if he does talk or feel upset after each visit.

7. Look at the positive side. When the child goes to the other parent, use the opportunity to pamper yourself, visit friends or go shopping.

8. Create a secure and happy home environment for your child so that there will be less fear of the child refusing to come back to you.

9. Inculcate values like honesty and trustworthiness in your child. Let him/her know that you place importance on such values and that you expect it of him/her.

10. If there is a spiritual dimension in your life, than inculcate a love for God in your child, reading the holy books and going to places of worship. Show him/her that these are very important to you.

11. Remember, that being the custodial parent, you are the closest role model to your child. You need not fear losing your child if you make the concerted effort to be an exemplary parent figure to your child. It only follows that in his eye no other daddy/mummy could ever replace you.

Fortunate is the child who has an enlightened custodial parent who is gracious enough to share with the other parent because she is able to transcend her personal grief and hurt by placing a high premium on her child’s well being.

Exclusive Jun-Sep 1990

Divorce

The decision to be custodial parent should be made in the best interest of the child. In the event of a break-up, the child is the deprived and innocent party. He should not be subjected to the trauma of having to make the painful decision of which parent to follow. Neither should custody to be given to the unfit parent.

A parent should have enough custody of the child to meet his own selfish interest like
1. a desire to get even with the ex-spouse.
2. forming a nuclear family in order to get a HDB flat
3. a desire to avoid being labeled as the “bad parent” and then have serious reservation about it.

The decision to give up custody of the child because of the following reasons is also because of the following reasons is also undesirable.
1. To avoid a custody battle
2. A lack of self confidence
3. Economic pressure
4. Guilt feelings

A child knows when he is wanted or rejected b the parent. The custodial parent ho gains custody in order to spike his ex-spouse is likely to weaken the bind between the child and his other parent and may even encourage negative thinking about her. The child is likely to end up confused and torn. On the other extreme, he could become an over indulgent parent in order in preserve the “good guy” image thus spoiling the child when a firm handling would have been better.

The parent who has custody thrust upon him s also unlikely to make a good parent. The feelings of resentment will spill over to the child.

You may want to consider the following pointers in your decision to be the custodial parent.

1. Preparedness
When you are psychologically prepared you are likely to be more successful as a custodial parent. Be prepared for the tremendous burden you will have to face but also be aware of the comfort and joys the child can give you once you are able to develop a close parent-child relationship.

2. Positive Attitude
Accept that the non-custodial parent is also important to the child and be gracious enough to share the child with her. The custodial parent who is so embittered by what life has offered him is likely to alarm the child’s sense of well being; making him an anxious child with a negative view of life. A confident, positive parent on the other hand will generate similar traits in the child.

3. Seek Support
Acknowledge that carrying the burden alone is very difficult. Don’t feel too proud to accept support from relatives, friends, church and support groups.

Pitfalls The Custodial Parent Should Avoid

1. Living with parents or in-laws after a divorce
This may not be a wise move as the tendency is to over depend on grandparents and to expect them to play the role of surrogate parents to the child while the custodial parent slips into a complacent routine of working and coming home late. This is not being fair to both the grandparent and the child.

2. Remarriage
The custodial parent should never remarry because he wants his children to have a mother. Marriage for purpose of getting help to raise the children is courting trouble. One day the children will grow up and leave the nest. What else is there left? He should marry to have a companion for himself and not a parent for his children.

3. Resentment
Resentment over having to care for the child can affect the parent-child relationship adversely. The child must not be made to feel that he is a burden to the parent. He is far better off in a home where there is love and security.

The Non-Custodial Parent

The parent who chooses to be the non-custodial parent can still play an active role in the welfare of the child. However, the non-custodial parent may have to overcome problems like:

1. Guilt feelings
The non-custodial parent often faces guilt feelings and stigmatization because of her choice. Society may not be able to understand that it is for the best interest of the child. If she allows feelings of guilt to overwhelm her, she is not likely to be an effective parent, It is important that she should get on with her life while giving the love and support to the child when he goes to her. Attempts should be made to write, call and keep in touch so that the child knows that she still cares.

2. Anger and Depression
Like guilt feelings, anger and depression can be destructive and affect the non-custodial parent so adversely that she may choose not the see the child anymore in order to lessen the pain. This is not a wise move as the child will feel dejected and let down Research has shown that the one who recovered fastest were the ones who play an active role in the children’s live.

Conclusion
In the final analysis, the child is the victim in this traumatic tug of war between the parents, In choosing whether to be the custodial parent, the interest of the child is of paramount importance, Fortunate is the child if both parents agree on this and et remain in touch with the child by continuing to give him the love and support he will need to live a healthy balanced life.

What is the single most difficult aspect of single parenting?

I think it varies from person to person. Being a mother with sole custody of my three children, I feel my difficult tasks are to discipline the children, help them in the healing process and keep this “special” family together.

At the time of my divorce, my three children were in their teens. Teens and adolescent years are by far the most difficult time for the parents and I had to do it all alone, as my ex-spouse was not keen in co-parenting. It has been almost three years since my divorce. I tried my best to make my children feel that we are still a family and we continue to do the things we used to do before the divorce.

To keep the family together I joined the Single Parent Support Group in my church called “HOPE”. We did the RAINBOWS programme together, at the same time my children got to interact with the other children from single parent families and they realised that they were not alone. We had many activities together with the support group such as ice-cream treats for the children, organising trips to the movies and arranging picnics and potluck parties during the festive season. My children “gel” very well with the other children, and we parents also became good friends supporting one another in our journey.

Letting my children know my whereabouts is also very important for me. I call them each time when I am late or have to detour to run some errands on my way home. I let them know in advance if I have to be out with my friends and remind them to take care of themselves. I call this phone management. I call very often to check if they have had their meals and done their homework. I teach my children that wherever they are and whatever they are doing, I have to be informed. I will then inform the other siblings so that they are aware of what is happening and thus, we will be able to plan activities around each other’s time.

I can proudly say that during the week, we spend almost every night eating dinner and preparing the meals together. It allows us to talk about work, school and friends. They do the washing up. This instills in them a sense of responsibility, independence and teamwork.

One way of scheduling special family time is by implementing family outing during the weekend, going to church, movies, plays or some public events together. I would give them a simple treat of chicken rice, dim sum or a fast food meal, which is what most children love to have. Sometimes they get a special supper!

Grocery shopping is another way we stay together as a family. We do it together. The children not only help to carry the shopping items, it also gives them a chance to buy their favourite tidbits and decide what meals they would like to have the following week.

My children care for one another. They are very willing to be involved in one another’s activities. When my eldest daughter performs in plays or dramas, we will all be there to support her. We will also attend school fun fairs or sports day as a family.

Sometimes I have to be a cool and hip mum by going to places they like to go and doing things they like to do like watching children movies, “The Incredibles”, going to the “Ballet under the Stars” or even to the disco. Like they say, if you cannot win them, join them!

I include physical exercise into my routine and my children join me for walks, cycling and swimming. My children are also involved in family birthdays, weddings and festive occasions as a form of re-affirming our culture. We still visit their paternal uncles and aunties as a family.

A family that prays together stays together. Every night we will say a little prayer together before going to bed. We are generous with our hugs and kisses among ourselves and we do that before we leave the house and when we get home.

As parents we must pass on the hope. With our children, we can beat the odds. We can raise healthy, confident children in a supportive and loving family environment. We can be a successful family!

Exclusive Vol 13.3