Chrys Ong, Senior Social Worker, HELP FSC

Like every Singaporean, it is natural for us to feel fearful at the height of the SARS outbreak. But we were able to take the precautionary measures and to face the issues courageously.

At HELP FSC, some of our single parents, their family members and friends are working in the health sector. They could have had close encounter with people suspected of SARS. Members of out staff at HELP FSC would also have occasion to meet clients who might have contracted SARS. Some might have fever and some suspected of having SARS. Whether or not it is SARS, it is a great awakening for each of them.

I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my own personal experience and feelings on SARS. On the 12^th of May 2003, when every Singaporean was waiting for the World Health Organisation (WHO) to remove Singapore from the list in the SARS Infected Countries, news broke out that 20 to 30 patients and staff from the Institute of Mental Health were down with SARS symptom-like illness. I was then having dinner with my friends and when I heard this, my mind went blank. The night before, I had met up with one of the single parents who was working at the institute. This meant that I might have been exposed to SARS too.

After dinner, I went home feeling worried for the single parent, myself, my family members whom I  am staying with and my colleagues whom I had been in contact with. I contacted the Ministry of Health to report my contact with the suspected SARS patient for contact tracing purpose. I also informed my colleagues of the situation and everybody was put on alert in monitoring the situation. With that, I started to self-quarantine myself even though I did not receive any official letter from the Ministry of Health.

The first three days at home were torturing and filled with fear and anxiety. Increase in temperature caused panic in me. By the fourth day, things seemed stable. I continued with my temperature taking, slept well, ate a balanced diet and was on alert, looking out for any symptoms of SARS. As for work, everybody in my agency was well prepared to handle this crisis. We started the “working from home” concept since April as a way of handling the crisis. This was to ensure that in the event that one of the staff came in contact with the suspected SARS case, those who worked at home at the time, were able to resume work at the office while others had to be quarantined. This would ensure that the service to the single-parent families would not be disrupted.

At the end of the self-quarantined period, we realised that it was a false alarm. It was a great relief for everybody, especially me! Not until the day when I thought that I might face death right at my doorstep, I realised that I had been taking things for granted. There are alot of unfinished business with a lot of people in my life. Words that had yet to be said, appreciations that had yet to be told,  and things yet to be done. It would be such a great regret for me if all these were left undone and I had to leave this world. I don’t get to change how I am going to die, or when. I can only decide how I am going to live now.

SARS has indeed brought much pain and disruption in our life. At the same time, it has also helped us to build our resilience in difficult times. Together as a nation, we have clearly shown our tenacity that each one of us has in monitoring our temperature daily, by serving our quarantine order and refraining from travelling unnecessarily. We have shown that we can overcome difficult times with the support and encouragement from one another.

The paradox in life is that we always look for happiness in other people, our family, career or activities, but never learn, till a crisis occurs, that we must look to our inner self, to be contented in ourselves, before we can find happiness with others. The witnessing of others who have lost their loved ones or experiencing the loss of a loved one in the battle against SARS reminds us of the need to appreciate our loved ones, to reflect and review on our life and learn more about it, instead of having regrets of “It might have been…!”

Let me know what you think.

You can submit as a comment below.

We have added some useful resources to our HELP website and we hope it can really benefit you. Feel free to forward this link to anyone who you think can benefit too.

>>Watch this 30 second video to find out how to explore our website.
(make sure you have the volume turned on ;p )

3 Useful links (as seen from the video):

1. Services at a glance on HELP Home Page

2. Articles and Blog Archives

3. Resources and Links

To read our blog content in other languages, you can click on the flags on the right side bar (under “Translator”).

by Social Work Team at HELP FSC

My husband passed away two years ago of heart failure. Although he had a history of heart attacks and had undergone a heart bypass surgery, his death is still a shock for my children and me. It was fine initially…. I continued with my work and my 14 year-old son and 9 year-old daughter went on with their studies. But recently, for no reason I have been crying a lot. Everything at home just reminds me of my husband. I cannot cope with my work. My employer is unhappy with my work performance. People around me have been telling me that I should have “come out” of my husband’s death and be strong for me children. But somehow I just can’t do it… I feel so useless and worthless! Am I abnormal? Would I be able to be my usual self again?

There is no way we can fully prepare ourselves for our loved one’s death, no matter how informed we are. And it is always so difficult to let our loved one go even though we know that he/she is suffering. When death occurs in the family, everyone hopes to get back to life as “normal” as possible. Life around us continues. The adults will resume their work ad the children their studies. You may have thought that by keeping yourselves busy you would have gotten over his death. But it is just a form of distraction. It only makes one more day go by.

When a loss has taken place, things may not be the same again. The feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find he is no longer there for us, jolts us into the reality of his death.

People around you or even yourself might think that you are abnormal because you started crying and missing your husband after two years of his demise. But what you are experiencing now is very normal and natural. You are grieving now! The fact that you have been coping with your loss by keeping yourself busy and by trying to be strong for your children do no help in dealing with your grief over the loss of your husband. It just provides a short-term relief to your pain.

Firstly, you need to be in touch with your feelings that are associated with the loss, be it negative or positive. Then acknowledge the existence of the feelings. Denying or suppressing the feelings is not a solution. Next you have to accept the feelings that you have. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are just there. Lastly, learn to let go of the feelings by talking about it with the person you trust.

Besides looking at your own grief, it is important for you to help your children to talk about the loss of their father. Children do grieve like any adult. Usually, our parental instinct would refrain us from exposing our children to any negative or unhappy events. We would want to buffer them as much as possible. However, this is not any other loss, but a loss of a significant person in their life. To be exact, they are not just losing their father but you as well. The fact that you are not able to be like before is another major change that they have to learn to adapt and adjust. There are times that some children may not be ready to talk about the loss. It is okay. Keep channels open for them to come back to you if you need someone to talk to.

Start working towards your recovery. Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small choices. You need to acknowledge that a problem exists and it is associated with the loss of your husband. Take action! Join a support group. Meeting up with other single parents could help in garnering support from those who may have gone through similar experience as yours. Make arrangement to meet up with a counsellor. He or she will help to take necessary actions for moving beyond loss. The fact that you have reached out to seek help is the first step to your recovery.

Exclusive Vol 13.3

“Divorce is a time of change from the stability that was established prior to the event. It affects both the children and adults. The extent to which children are affected varies and the effects will be determined by not one, but several factors like age, gender, personality, family background and relations, repertoire of coping skills and so on.

The children grieve the absence of a parent at home. Grief is a normal, natural, appropriate and healthy reaction to a significant loss. Children may encounter shock, anger, sadness and other feelings. They may feel rejected, vulnerable and betrayed. Some children are not told about the divorce and the related changes. Some feel guilty, afraid that they are responsible for the family breakdown in some ways. The self-esteem of the children is affected. Parents feel that the children are too young to understand and hence it can be discussed later on. Sometimes parents re not sure how to talk about the divorce to the children even though they feel the need to. However, children observe the situation at home and make their own conclusions, which may not be the true picture as they are not able to clarify their observations. Insecurity and uncertainty may result.

Children may not have the resources to cope with the losses and changes that arise from the divorce. They may not know how to handle their different feelings. The different ways of coping may include denying or pushing aside what is happening to them. Some children do talk about the divorce, which may also be an indicator of the support they need during the transitional period. Sometimes parents send a message not to talk about the divorce to the people around them for fear of rejection.

Outward behaviour is a reflection of the children’s internal world. When children have difficulties coping with the divorce, they may show it through their behaviour such as withdrawal, temper tantrums, clinging behaviour, getting into fights, drop in academic performance and crying.

The ability of the children to cope with the divorce depends on their parent’s coping skills. Like children, parents also grieve the loss of an important person in their life. They also have to deal with their unmet hopes, dreams and expectations. The parents may also have to cope with being the sole breadwinner of the family and taking care of the children alone. This could be stressful for the parent when he or she is trying to meet the needs of the family as well as bring stability to the family. As a result, children have to cope not only with the absent parent but also the care giving parent who is unable to parent effectively.

Some children are caught in the loyalty conflict where parents and relatives harbour anger and resentment towards the other parent. Other children do not want to share their thought and feelings, fearing that they will hurt their parent or upset them. Parents, on the other hand, have similar difficulties. They feel that keeping sadness to themselves would spare the children from feeling hurt or depressed. By trying to help their children cope with the loss, they may be hindering the grief process. Some others are aware of their ineffective parenting skills and feel powerless. Some single parents do not know how to handle their emotions and usually divert their mixed feelings to their children. For example, the anger towards their ex-spouse might affect the way they treat the children especially if the child’s characteristics or personalities resemble the ex-spouse.

Recovery from a divorce for the families does not mean simply putting it aside, cutting off all emotional experiences and burying them. The feeling of pain, anger and disappointment will not diminish at once. A holistic awareness of the impact of the grief on the family members will facilitate positive transition in these families.

Recovery involves not only initiating change and rebuilding of self, but also that of family. Family as a whole will have to be recognised and reinvested in other family relationships and life pursuits. Recovery as a family involves realignment of relationships and and redistribution of role functions to buffer stress, to bring stability in the family and carry on with family life.

It is necessary to recognise and tap on the family’s and each member’s strengths and resources available within the family and outside in the community to help them cope with grief and re-organisation. Rebuilding the resources and support network of the families would help them through this period of transition and readjustment.

Exclusive Vol 13.3

What is the single most difficult aspect of single parenting?

I think it varies from person to person. Being a mother with sole custody of my three children, I feel my difficult tasks are to discipline the children, help them in the healing process and keep this “special” family together.

At the time of my divorce, my three children were in their teens. Teens and adolescent years are by far the most difficult time for the parents and I had to do it all alone, as my ex-spouse was not keen in co-parenting. It has been almost three years since my divorce. I tried my best to make my children feel that we are still a family and we continue to do the things we used to do before the divorce.

To keep the family together I joined the Single Parent Support Group in my church called “HOPE”. We did the RAINBOWS programme together, at the same time my children got to interact with the other children from single parent families and they realised that they were not alone. We had many activities together with the support group such as ice-cream treats for the children, organising trips to the movies and arranging picnics and potluck parties during the festive season. My children “gel” very well with the other children, and we parents also became good friends supporting one another in our journey.

Letting my children know my whereabouts is also very important for me. I call them each time when I am late or have to detour to run some errands on my way home. I let them know in advance if I have to be out with my friends and remind them to take care of themselves. I call this phone management. I call very often to check if they have had their meals and done their homework. I teach my children that wherever they are and whatever they are doing, I have to be informed. I will then inform the other siblings so that they are aware of what is happening and thus, we will be able to plan activities around each other’s time.

I can proudly say that during the week, we spend almost every night eating dinner and preparing the meals together. It allows us to talk about work, school and friends. They do the washing up. This instills in them a sense of responsibility, independence and teamwork.

One way of scheduling special family time is by implementing family outing during the weekend, going to church, movies, plays or some public events together. I would give them a simple treat of chicken rice, dim sum or a fast food meal, which is what most children love to have. Sometimes they get a special supper!

Grocery shopping is another way we stay together as a family. We do it together. The children not only help to carry the shopping items, it also gives them a chance to buy their favourite tidbits and decide what meals they would like to have the following week.

My children care for one another. They are very willing to be involved in one another’s activities. When my eldest daughter performs in plays or dramas, we will all be there to support her. We will also attend school fun fairs or sports day as a family.

Sometimes I have to be a cool and hip mum by going to places they like to go and doing things they like to do like watching children movies, “The Incredibles”, going to the “Ballet under the Stars” or even to the disco. Like they say, if you cannot win them, join them!

I include physical exercise into my routine and my children join me for walks, cycling and swimming. My children are also involved in family birthdays, weddings and festive occasions as a form of re-affirming our culture. We still visit their paternal uncles and aunties as a family.

A family that prays together stays together. Every night we will say a little prayer together before going to bed. We are generous with our hugs and kisses among ourselves and we do that before we leave the house and when we get home.

As parents we must pass on the hope. With our children, we can beat the odds. We can raise healthy, confident children in a supportive and loving family environment. We can be a successful family!

Exclusive Vol 13.3

Gloria Ing Ngah Fuen, Social Worker, HELP FSC

Even though their paths are filled with tears and struggles, they persevered. What are some of their experiences? What contributed to their decisions and strengths to move on in life?

The demands of life suffocated her since the death of her husband. My children are still so young, she said. Adding on to the stresses were more unexpected issues of legal disputes. She felt helpless and distressed. In the midst of settling her difficult issues, she said, “as long as I am alive, I will still try my best to attend to the needs of my three young children!”

~~~

Disbelief and shock accompanied him when he realised that the marriage was coming to an end. He suddenly realised he has taken marriage for granted, thinking that it would last forever. The decision to end the marriage crushed all the hopes and dreams he had for the family. In the midst of facing all these, he said with deep emotions, the children are innocent. Tears rolled down his face and when his tears dried up, he said, “no matter what, I’ll still raise them up! Life has to move on!”

~~~

She tried very hard to salvage the marriage she sought help from family members and marital counsellors and hoped that her husband would want to work on the marriage. However, he did not want to. The process was strenuous for her mentally and emotionally. Even though she was confronted with disappointments, she still said, “I would need to move on for my children.”

The opportunity to journey with many single-parent families is precious. The chance to witness their perseverance and growth reminds us to vied life’s difficulties and changes from a different perspective. They have the inner strength to fight against adversity and motivation to hold things in place. One thing that is admirable is that no one parent forgets the existence of his/her children even when confronted with many issues. The care and concern for the child/children is an important driving force in the lives of many single parents and it is the guiding light for them to move on! We have heard many touching acts of these parents in providing for their children and it is amazing to know that there is a powerful force within them to do so.

Single parenting could mean the end of something but it could also be the beginning of other things. The process allows single parents to reflect on issues such as marriage, interpersonal relationship, meanings of family and life. Although there are many challenges, the process incorporates a sense of relief and precious moments. The change in the family structure somehow created more opportunity for bonding between the single parent and his/her children. Some parents shared their experience that they have never thought of the possibility of such rewarding relationship with their children. Of course, single-parent families are not spared of tensions and conflicts (which are inevitable in interpersonal relationships). Still, many single parents have found are are discovering new meaning in this newly constructed family structure.

Sometimes when moving on seems difficult, talking to a caring adult or joining a support group at HELP Family Service Centre would help these parents sort through their confusion, and guide them in their recovery. Such support also helps the single parents to face life’s challenges as it provides affirmation and empathy for single parents in coping alone.

“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony.” – Albert Einstein

Exclusive Vol 13.3