Ven. Dr K Sri Dhammananda

How to Overcome your Difficulties

Fear is nothing more than a state of mind. Here is the key to help one understand the principle by which fear may be mastered. A noted British anatomist was once asked by a student what was the best cure for fear, and he answered, “Try doing something for someone.”

The student was considerably astonished by the reply, and requested further enlightenment, whereupon his instructor said, “You can’t have two opposing sets of thoughts in your mind at one and the same time.” One set of thoughts will always drive the other out. If, for instance, your mind is completely occupied with an unselfish desire to help someone else, you cannot be harbouring fear at the same time.

Editor’s Note

By reflecting on these wise words, we appreciate our healthcare workers who courageously cared for the SARS patients during the outbreak in 2003. Once again we salute all our healthcare workers!

Rosie Wee

More often than not there are still residues of hostility and bitterness between parents of the child long after a divorce or separation. This inevitably leads to resentment when the non-custodial parent visits the child. The hostility which the custodial parent still harbours could lead him/her to try ways and means to prevent the child from seeing the other parent. Attempts are made to downgrade the other parent in the eyes of the child. This pitching of one parent against the other will lead to confusion and divided loyalty on the child’s part. On the other hand, a child who is against his wishes, denied visitations and love from the other parent, is likely to grow up to be a bitter and angry adult. If such negative traits are not checked, it is likely to affect the custodial parent’s relationship with the child in the long run.

The custodial parent may have quite understandable reasons for such manipulative actions. These could be:

1. fear of losing the child to the other parent.
2. fear that the other parent may influence the child adversely.
3. fear that the child may manipulative the parents to his own advantage.
4. hatred for the other parent and thus instigating the child to do likewise.
5. feelings of resentment and betrayal especially when the other parent is not maintaining the child.
6. anger that the other parent should have access to the child when he/she was the cause of the family breakdown.

Such fears and sentiments are real and the course of action taken may appear justifiable. However, in the long run, both the child and the custodial parent have more to benefit if he/she could learn to let go and share the child with the other parent.

In arriving at the steps which the custodial parent could take to promote better parent-child relationship, the following assumptions apply:

1. that the child is still young and cannot make decisions for himself.
2. that the non-custodial parent still loves the child and wants to continue seeing him/her.
3. that the child still has some attachment to the other parent.
Assuming that the above assumptions apply the custodial parent could take the following steps:

1. Accept that the non-custodial parent has visiting rights and there is no way that you can prevent it unless the court issues an injunction on grounds of cruelty or insanity on the non-custodial parent’s part. When you are able to accept this, you will be better prepared to let your child go to his other parent.

2. Understand that your relationship with your former spouse is different from your child’s relationship with him/her. Don’t impose your opinion of him/her to your child. Let him form his own opinion.

3. Accept that your child is not responsible for the breakup and that he needs his other parent as much as he needs you.

4. Look beyond your own hurt and anger and realise that the welfare of your child depends on your ability to see that he grows into a balanced well adjusted adult equipped to face the challenges of the world. Love from both parents are crucial during the formative years and the child needs this assurance after the breakdown of the family unit. Denial of access to the other parent will only hurt the child.

5. It is healthier to tell the child that daddy/mummy still loves him/her although he/she is not living with them than to tell him that his daddy/mummy doesn’t want him anymore.

6. Do not overly question the child when he comes back to you. If the child refuses to talk about his stay with the other parent, it is better to let the matter rest. But show interest and understanding if he does talk or feel upset after each visit.

7. Look at the positive side. When the child goes to the other parent, use the opportunity to pamper yourself, visit friends or go shopping.

8. Create a secure and happy home environment for your child so that there will be less fear of the child refusing to come back to you.

9. Inculcate values like honesty and trustworthiness in your child. Let him/her know that you place importance on such values and that you expect it of him/her.

10. If there is a spiritual dimension in your life, than inculcate a love for God in your child, reading the holy books and going to places of worship. Show him/her that these are very important to you.

11. Remember, that being the custodial parent, you are the closest role model to your child. You need not fear losing your child if you make the concerted effort to be an exemplary parent figure to your child. It only follows that in his eye no other daddy/mummy could ever replace you.

Fortunate is the child who has an enlightened custodial parent who is gracious enough to share with the other parent because she is able to transcend her personal grief and hurt by placing a high premium on her child’s well being.

Exclusive Jun-Sep 1990

Chrys Ong, Senior Social Worker, HELP FSC

Like every Singaporean, it is natural for us to feel fearful at the height of the SARS outbreak. But we were able to take the precautionary measures and to face the issues courageously.

At HELP FSC, some of our single parents, their family members and friends are working in the health sector. They could have had close encounter with people suspected of SARS. Members of out staff at HELP FSC would also have occasion to meet clients who might have contracted SARS. Some might have fever and some suspected of having SARS. Whether or not it is SARS, it is a great awakening for each of them.

I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my own personal experience and feelings on SARS. On the 12^th of May 2003, when every Singaporean was waiting for the World Health Organisation (WHO) to remove Singapore from the list in the SARS Infected Countries, news broke out that 20 to 30 patients and staff from the Institute of Mental Health were down with SARS symptom-like illness. I was then having dinner with my friends and when I heard this, my mind went blank. The night before, I had met up with one of the single parents who was working at the institute. This meant that I might have been exposed to SARS too.

After dinner, I went home feeling worried for the single parent, myself, my family members whom I  am staying with and my colleagues whom I had been in contact with. I contacted the Ministry of Health to report my contact with the suspected SARS patient for contact tracing purpose. I also informed my colleagues of the situation and everybody was put on alert in monitoring the situation. With that, I started to self-quarantine myself even though I did not receive any official letter from the Ministry of Health.

The first three days at home were torturing and filled with fear and anxiety. Increase in temperature caused panic in me. By the fourth day, things seemed stable. I continued with my temperature taking, slept well, ate a balanced diet and was on alert, looking out for any symptoms of SARS. As for work, everybody in my agency was well prepared to handle this crisis. We started the “working from home” concept since April as a way of handling the crisis. This was to ensure that in the event that one of the staff came in contact with the suspected SARS case, those who worked at home at the time, were able to resume work at the office while others had to be quarantined. This would ensure that the service to the single-parent families would not be disrupted.

At the end of the self-quarantined period, we realised that it was a false alarm. It was a great relief for everybody, especially me! Not until the day when I thought that I might face death right at my doorstep, I realised that I had been taking things for granted. There are alot of unfinished business with a lot of people in my life. Words that had yet to be said, appreciations that had yet to be told,  and things yet to be done. It would be such a great regret for me if all these were left undone and I had to leave this world. I don’t get to change how I am going to die, or when. I can only decide how I am going to live now.

SARS has indeed brought much pain and disruption in our life. At the same time, it has also helped us to build our resilience in difficult times. Together as a nation, we have clearly shown our tenacity that each one of us has in monitoring our temperature daily, by serving our quarantine order and refraining from travelling unnecessarily. We have shown that we can overcome difficult times with the support and encouragement from one another.

The paradox in life is that we always look for happiness in other people, our family, career or activities, but never learn, till a crisis occurs, that we must look to our inner self, to be contented in ourselves, before we can find happiness with others. The witnessing of others who have lost their loved ones or experiencing the loss of a loved one in the battle against SARS reminds us of the need to appreciate our loved ones, to reflect and review on our life and learn more about it, instead of having regrets of “It might have been…!”

Divorce

The decision to be custodial parent should be made in the best interest of the child. In the event of a break-up, the child is the deprived and innocent party. He should not be subjected to the trauma of having to make the painful decision of which parent to follow. Neither should custody to be given to the unfit parent.

A parent should have enough custody of the child to meet his own selfish interest like
1. a desire to get even with the ex-spouse.
2. forming a nuclear family in order to get a HDB flat
3. a desire to avoid being labeled as the “bad parent” and then have serious reservation about it.

The decision to give up custody of the child because of the following reasons is also because of the following reasons is also undesirable.
1. To avoid a custody battle
2. A lack of self confidence
3. Economic pressure
4. Guilt feelings

A child knows when he is wanted or rejected b the parent. The custodial parent ho gains custody in order to spike his ex-spouse is likely to weaken the bind between the child and his other parent and may even encourage negative thinking about her. The child is likely to end up confused and torn. On the other extreme, he could become an over indulgent parent in order in preserve the “good guy” image thus spoiling the child when a firm handling would have been better.

The parent who has custody thrust upon him s also unlikely to make a good parent. The feelings of resentment will spill over to the child.

You may want to consider the following pointers in your decision to be the custodial parent.

1. Preparedness
When you are psychologically prepared you are likely to be more successful as a custodial parent. Be prepared for the tremendous burden you will have to face but also be aware of the comfort and joys the child can give you once you are able to develop a close parent-child relationship.

2. Positive Attitude
Accept that the non-custodial parent is also important to the child and be gracious enough to share the child with her. The custodial parent who is so embittered by what life has offered him is likely to alarm the child’s sense of well being; making him an anxious child with a negative view of life. A confident, positive parent on the other hand will generate similar traits in the child.

3. Seek Support
Acknowledge that carrying the burden alone is very difficult. Don’t feel too proud to accept support from relatives, friends, church and support groups.

Pitfalls The Custodial Parent Should Avoid

1. Living with parents or in-laws after a divorce
This may not be a wise move as the tendency is to over depend on grandparents and to expect them to play the role of surrogate parents to the child while the custodial parent slips into a complacent routine of working and coming home late. This is not being fair to both the grandparent and the child.

2. Remarriage
The custodial parent should never remarry because he wants his children to have a mother. Marriage for purpose of getting help to raise the children is courting trouble. One day the children will grow up and leave the nest. What else is there left? He should marry to have a companion for himself and not a parent for his children.

3. Resentment
Resentment over having to care for the child can affect the parent-child relationship adversely. The child must not be made to feel that he is a burden to the parent. He is far better off in a home where there is love and security.

The Non-Custodial Parent

The parent who chooses to be the non-custodial parent can still play an active role in the welfare of the child. However, the non-custodial parent may have to overcome problems like:

1. Guilt feelings
The non-custodial parent often faces guilt feelings and stigmatization because of her choice. Society may not be able to understand that it is for the best interest of the child. If she allows feelings of guilt to overwhelm her, she is not likely to be an effective parent, It is important that she should get on with her life while giving the love and support to the child when he goes to her. Attempts should be made to write, call and keep in touch so that the child knows that she still cares.

2. Anger and Depression
Like guilt feelings, anger and depression can be destructive and affect the non-custodial parent so adversely that she may choose not the see the child anymore in order to lessen the pain. This is not a wise move as the child will feel dejected and let down Research has shown that the one who recovered fastest were the ones who play an active role in the children’s live.

Conclusion
In the final analysis, the child is the victim in this traumatic tug of war between the parents, In choosing whether to be the custodial parent, the interest of the child is of paramount importance, Fortunate is the child if both parents agree on this and et remain in touch with the child by continuing to give him the love and support he will need to live a healthy balanced life.

This article focuses on the possible consequences of using FEAR to guide our recovery from significant emotional loss.

Retained FEAR is cumulative and cumulatively negative. If the griever does not feel safe enough to communicate about their fears, then the fears themselves appear to be real and begin to define and limit the griever. In a play on that old phrase “you are what you eat”…”you create what you fear.”

Fear is one of the most normal emotional responses to loss. The fear of the unknown, the fear of the unfamiliar, the fear of adapting to a dramatic change in all our of familiar habits, behaviours, and feelings.
Fear is one of the most common emotional responses to loss. For example, when a spouse dies – How can I go on without him/her? Or, after a divorce. Where will I find another mate as wonderful, as beautiful?

These fears are normal and natural responses to the end of long-term relationships. If acknowledged and allowed, those fears and the thoughts and feelings they generate, can be completed and diminish without serious aftermath. As we learn to acknowledge and complete our relationship to our fear, we can then move on to the more important task of grieving and completing the relationship that ended or changed.

But, if we have been socialized to believe fear is unnatural or bad, then we tend to bury our fears to avoid feeling judged by our fellows who seem to want us to feel better very quickly after a loss.

There is also danger in that we have been socialized to express fear indirectly as anger. While there is often some unexpressed anger attached to incomplete relationships, we usually discover that it accounts for a very small percentage of unresolved grief. It is also important not to confuse Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s “stages of dying,” which includes anger, with the totally unique responses that follow a loss.

An even larger danger looms in the fact that we develop relationships with and loyalties to our fears. We believe them as if they were real. We defend them with our lives, and to some extent, it is, indeed, our lives that w are gambling with. As we develop a fierce relationship with our fears, we lose sight of our original objective, which was to grieve and complete the relationship that has ended or changed. It is as if we have shifted all of our energy to the fear so we do not have to deal with the painful emotions caused by the loss.

Reminders of loved ones who have died, or relationship that have ended will often take us on a rocket ride to the PAST, where we are liable to dig up a little regret. After thinking about that regret for a while, we might rocket out to the FUTURE, where we will generate some worry or FEAR. The point is that those fears we generate, while they feel totally real, are often the result of some out-of-the-moment adventures. It may be helpful to remember this little phrase: “My feelings are real, but they do no necessarily represent reality.”

While FEAR is often the emotional response to loss, in our society, ISOLATION is frequently the behavioral reaction to the fear. If isolation is the problem, then participation is a major part of the solution. Fight your way through the fear so that you will not isolate further. Recovery from significant emotional loss is not achieved alone.

©1993 by The Grief Recovery Institute. All right reserved. Grief “Recovery” is a Registered Service Mark of the Grief Recovery Institute. All material is protected by US Code and the Lanham Act. Do not reproduce in any manner without permission.

“The one battle most lose is the battle over the fear of failure…
try…
start…
begin…
and you’ll be assured you won the first round.”

- Robert Schuller, Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do!

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by Social Work Team at HELP FSC

My husband passed away two years ago of heart failure. Although he had a history of heart attacks and had undergone a heart bypass surgery, his death is still a shock for my children and me. It was fine initially…. I continued with my work and my 14 year-old son and 9 year-old daughter went on with their studies. But recently, for no reason I have been crying a lot. Everything at home just reminds me of my husband. I cannot cope with my work. My employer is unhappy with my work performance. People around me have been telling me that I should have “come out” of my husband’s death and be strong for me children. But somehow I just can’t do it… I feel so useless and worthless! Am I abnormal? Would I be able to be my usual self again?

There is no way we can fully prepare ourselves for our loved one’s death, no matter how informed we are. And it is always so difficult to let our loved one go even though we know that he/she is suffering. When death occurs in the family, everyone hopes to get back to life as “normal” as possible. Life around us continues. The adults will resume their work ad the children their studies. You may have thought that by keeping yourselves busy you would have gotten over his death. But it is just a form of distraction. It only makes one more day go by.

When a loss has taken place, things may not be the same again. The feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find he is no longer there for us, jolts us into the reality of his death.

People around you or even yourself might think that you are abnormal because you started crying and missing your husband after two years of his demise. But what you are experiencing now is very normal and natural. You are grieving now! The fact that you have been coping with your loss by keeping yourself busy and by trying to be strong for your children do no help in dealing with your grief over the loss of your husband. It just provides a short-term relief to your pain.

Firstly, you need to be in touch with your feelings that are associated with the loss, be it negative or positive. Then acknowledge the existence of the feelings. Denying or suppressing the feelings is not a solution. Next you have to accept the feelings that you have. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are just there. Lastly, learn to let go of the feelings by talking about it with the person you trust.

Besides looking at your own grief, it is important for you to help your children to talk about the loss of their father. Children do grieve like any adult. Usually, our parental instinct would refrain us from exposing our children to any negative or unhappy events. We would want to buffer them as much as possible. However, this is not any other loss, but a loss of a significant person in their life. To be exact, they are not just losing their father but you as well. The fact that you are not able to be like before is another major change that they have to learn to adapt and adjust. There are times that some children may not be ready to talk about the loss. It is okay. Keep channels open for them to come back to you if you need someone to talk to.

Start working towards your recovery. Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small choices. You need to acknowledge that a problem exists and it is associated with the loss of your husband. Take action! Join a support group. Meeting up with other single parents could help in garnering support from those who may have gone through similar experience as yours. Make arrangement to meet up with a counsellor. He or she will help to take necessary actions for moving beyond loss. The fact that you have reached out to seek help is the first step to your recovery.

Exclusive Vol 13.3

“Divorce is a time of change from the stability that was established prior to the event. It affects both the children and adults. The extent to which children are affected varies and the effects will be determined by not one, but several factors like age, gender, personality, family background and relations, repertoire of coping skills and so on.

The children grieve the absence of a parent at home. Grief is a normal, natural, appropriate and healthy reaction to a significant loss. Children may encounter shock, anger, sadness and other feelings. They may feel rejected, vulnerable and betrayed. Some children are not told about the divorce and the related changes. Some feel guilty, afraid that they are responsible for the family breakdown in some ways. The self-esteem of the children is affected. Parents feel that the children are too young to understand and hence it can be discussed later on. Sometimes parents re not sure how to talk about the divorce to the children even though they feel the need to. However, children observe the situation at home and make their own conclusions, which may not be the true picture as they are not able to clarify their observations. Insecurity and uncertainty may result.

Children may not have the resources to cope with the losses and changes that arise from the divorce. They may not know how to handle their different feelings. The different ways of coping may include denying or pushing aside what is happening to them. Some children do talk about the divorce, which may also be an indicator of the support they need during the transitional period. Sometimes parents send a message not to talk about the divorce to the people around them for fear of rejection.

Outward behaviour is a reflection of the children’s internal world. When children have difficulties coping with the divorce, they may show it through their behaviour such as withdrawal, temper tantrums, clinging behaviour, getting into fights, drop in academic performance and crying.

The ability of the children to cope with the divorce depends on their parent’s coping skills. Like children, parents also grieve the loss of an important person in their life. They also have to deal with their unmet hopes, dreams and expectations. The parents may also have to cope with being the sole breadwinner of the family and taking care of the children alone. This could be stressful for the parent when he or she is trying to meet the needs of the family as well as bring stability to the family. As a result, children have to cope not only with the absent parent but also the care giving parent who is unable to parent effectively.

Some children are caught in the loyalty conflict where parents and relatives harbour anger and resentment towards the other parent. Other children do not want to share their thought and feelings, fearing that they will hurt their parent or upset them. Parents, on the other hand, have similar difficulties. They feel that keeping sadness to themselves would spare the children from feeling hurt or depressed. By trying to help their children cope with the loss, they may be hindering the grief process. Some others are aware of their ineffective parenting skills and feel powerless. Some single parents do not know how to handle their emotions and usually divert their mixed feelings to their children. For example, the anger towards their ex-spouse might affect the way they treat the children especially if the child’s characteristics or personalities resemble the ex-spouse.

Recovery from a divorce for the families does not mean simply putting it aside, cutting off all emotional experiences and burying them. The feeling of pain, anger and disappointment will not diminish at once. A holistic awareness of the impact of the grief on the family members will facilitate positive transition in these families.

Recovery involves not only initiating change and rebuilding of self, but also that of family. Family as a whole will have to be recognised and reinvested in other family relationships and life pursuits. Recovery as a family involves realignment of relationships and and redistribution of role functions to buffer stress, to bring stability in the family and carry on with family life.

It is necessary to recognise and tap on the family’s and each member’s strengths and resources available within the family and outside in the community to help them cope with grief and re-organisation. Rebuilding the resources and support network of the families would help them through this period of transition and readjustment.

Exclusive Vol 13.3

What is the single most difficult aspect of single parenting?

I think it varies from person to person. Being a mother with sole custody of my three children, I feel my difficult tasks are to discipline the children, help them in the healing process and keep this “special” family together.

At the time of my divorce, my three children were in their teens. Teens and adolescent years are by far the most difficult time for the parents and I had to do it all alone, as my ex-spouse was not keen in co-parenting. It has been almost three years since my divorce. I tried my best to make my children feel that we are still a family and we continue to do the things we used to do before the divorce.

To keep the family together I joined the Single Parent Support Group in my church called “HOPE”. We did the RAINBOWS programme together, at the same time my children got to interact with the other children from single parent families and they realised that they were not alone. We had many activities together with the support group such as ice-cream treats for the children, organising trips to the movies and arranging picnics and potluck parties during the festive season. My children “gel” very well with the other children, and we parents also became good friends supporting one another in our journey.

Letting my children know my whereabouts is also very important for me. I call them each time when I am late or have to detour to run some errands on my way home. I let them know in advance if I have to be out with my friends and remind them to take care of themselves. I call this phone management. I call very often to check if they have had their meals and done their homework. I teach my children that wherever they are and whatever they are doing, I have to be informed. I will then inform the other siblings so that they are aware of what is happening and thus, we will be able to plan activities around each other’s time.

I can proudly say that during the week, we spend almost every night eating dinner and preparing the meals together. It allows us to talk about work, school and friends. They do the washing up. This instills in them a sense of responsibility, independence and teamwork.

One way of scheduling special family time is by implementing family outing during the weekend, going to church, movies, plays or some public events together. I would give them a simple treat of chicken rice, dim sum or a fast food meal, which is what most children love to have. Sometimes they get a special supper!

Grocery shopping is another way we stay together as a family. We do it together. The children not only help to carry the shopping items, it also gives them a chance to buy their favourite tidbits and decide what meals they would like to have the following week.

My children care for one another. They are very willing to be involved in one another’s activities. When my eldest daughter performs in plays or dramas, we will all be there to support her. We will also attend school fun fairs or sports day as a family.

Sometimes I have to be a cool and hip mum by going to places they like to go and doing things they like to do like watching children movies, “The Incredibles”, going to the “Ballet under the Stars” or even to the disco. Like they say, if you cannot win them, join them!

I include physical exercise into my routine and my children join me for walks, cycling and swimming. My children are also involved in family birthdays, weddings and festive occasions as a form of re-affirming our culture. We still visit their paternal uncles and aunties as a family.

A family that prays together stays together. Every night we will say a little prayer together before going to bed. We are generous with our hugs and kisses among ourselves and we do that before we leave the house and when we get home.

As parents we must pass on the hope. With our children, we can beat the odds. We can raise healthy, confident children in a supportive and loving family environment. We can be a successful family!

Exclusive Vol 13.3